I Wish I Could Let Go

I spend a lot of time talking about my mum and sister, my husband would probably say too much time. He is super supportive and has a lot of strong opinions. On a side-note, they would probably love to hear this and to know that they are still hurting me.

It doesn't matter how much I talk about the same issues over and over again it's never going to fix them. I will never go "Well that's sorted, everything is clear now", because narcissism, abuse and betrayal is murky and complicated. Everything that has gone on with my family in the past doesn't make any sense and frustrates the hell out of me. Going round in circles isn't helping me but I can't seem to let it go and move on. It's like I'm self sabotaging myself, trying to make the illogical logical, purposely making myself miserable.

I was reading a post about the stages of grief after narcissist abuse, and I am very much still in anger stage I think, with small amounts of the next stage depression mixed in. After those two stages you move on to healing and validation, basically grieving their loss. I think this is where the problem lies. I'm still stuck with the notion that our relationship can be fixed in some way, it's like my brain can't really process that it fully over. So I resort back to talking things through to problem solve and fix them. But no amount of talking to my husband is going to fix this, and the people I should be talking to has gone MIA.

I'm stuck in a loop and I need to accept that it's over for good, but I find it really hard to let things go. I left my job last year because it had become a toxic place and even now I still feel a massive sense of loss about leaving and wish I could go back and fix the problems. Again, I'm trying to fix the unfixable ugh! Also I have recurring nightmares about them which are keeping me stuck, even when I'm not talking about them I'm dreaming about them! Two to three times a week I have this dream where I'm talking to them and they can't hear me. I'm standing right in front of them screaming and tugging at them and still nothing, they are looking right through me. I have such a headache the next day. Obviously I'm feeling unheard in real life and trying to process that in my dreams.

Why do I care if I'm being not being heard by them? I know we have different opinions on everything that is never going to change. Why do I even care about them? They have treated me atrociously. I wish I was a logical non-emotional person that can cut people off and forget about them , exactly like they did to me.

I think going forward I need to make a conscious effect to put them out of my mind, and physically stop myself talking about them, but if it was that easy I would have done it already.